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Snow Rules!
By: Katrina
January 31, 2005


I'm really getting sick of everyone bitching about how horrible it is that..oh, no...dare I mention such a dreadful phenomenon? It's...it's...SNOWING!!!

Oh, imagine that. It's snowing in fucking winter! Who'd a thunk it?

Okay, here's the deal. Every time the temperatures drop below freezing and precipitation becomes likely, the weather forecasters and news anchors act like it's the end of civilization. "Oh, well, I hope we'll thaw out by the weekend." "It'll be yucky weather tomorrow." "Best stay inside and have lots of milk, bread, and toilet paper."

Let's set a few things straight here, shall we? Snow is hardly "yucky weather". Every watch the snow fall? I'm glad there's something in this piece of shit world that is still relatively pure and beautiful. I can see freezing rain and sleet being deemed "yucky weather", but not plain old ordinary powdery snow. It falls gently. It coats everything around so nicely. There are so many practical uses for it! Sledding. Skiing. Building snowmen. Snowball fights. Walking in it is way more fun than regular walking. Writing your name in it. Throwing your cat outside into a big snow drift. Lying in it for a while.

Wait, what is that? You say you've outgrown all those things? You haven't outgrown it, idiot. You've just become a bitter whiny loser who's so worried about the street salts ruining your car or the fact that your kids have to stay home from school or that traffic will be backed up or whatever the fuck else you're bitching about.

Also, what if it didn't snow? If you live in a place where snow is at least somewhat common in the winter, I imagine that even without the snow, it is still really fucking cold. So either wear three sweaters, double your body fat very quickly somehow, stay home and whine, or move to Florida! Snow or not, it's cold. Quit blaming the snow. It is just a result of the cold. If it were warmer, it would be raining and you'd be complaining about that. It's not the snow's fault you're a pussy.

Furthermore, the snow is not the reason your flowers aren't blooming or you can't see your pretty green grass. Look around outside in the middle of January when there isn't any snow. Probably not a pretty site. Trees are leafless. Grass is yellowish and old. Those fallen leaves you never raked are still there rotting. When the snow's there, all of that unpleasantness is out of sight! Blooming flowers and full leaves are spring and summer features. Snow is for winter. Haven't you figured that out?

I know what you're thinking. All this nature appreciation I'm showing is childish and that I'm forgetting the dangerous conditions snow causes. Well, what makes them so dangerous? Snow is generally well forecasted. It's not like a tornado or earthquake or something that springs up relatively out of nowhere. Therefore, preparations can be made. We are humans and are known to adapt to our surrounding. Some humans, like you, choose to moan and do nothing, while others come up with the brilliant notion that the weather does not obey you, so let's do what we can to keep our lives going despite the weather. Minor vehicle modifications. Snow plows. Insulated clothes made for this type of weather. Oh, wait. I'm forgetting that other drivers may not be so prepared? Well, guess what! That is not specific to snow. Other drivers may not be able to drive in the rain, at night, and they may also be drunk or otherwise very distracted! Traffic? There's always fucking traffic! Thunderstorms. Friday afternoon. Day before Thanksgiving. When there's an accident. So I ask: what's your point?

Therefore, snow is good. Innocent flakes that lead to wintry fun, and somehow you jerkoffs manage to act like we're being attacked by the "cloud terrorists" or something. If you don't like it, move to where it never snows. Or, instead of complaining about driving conditions or that the children you brought into the world have to stay home with you for a day and not be sent off to their daily indoctrination center, you could forget about your miserable little life for five seconds, and quit making it even more miserable with pointless bitching and moaning, and go out into the snow, scoop some into your hand, and fling it about carelessly. Build a snowman with those kids whose presence you seem to resent for some reason. Something. When you get cold, go back inside and realize how much fun that was.

In short, snow kicks ass and you know it. Shut the fuck up already with your complaints about it. Snow rules. I'm right. You're wrong. If it makes you feel any better, it'll warm up come March and April, and I'll see you back here in July and August when you're bitching about sunburns, heat indexes, humidity, everyday thunderstorms or drought, triple digits temperatures, or other summer "joys" you miss so much now. You are a fickle pussy.



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