That rigorous year at community college sure gave you a leg up, didnít it?
April 5, 2005
If I hear the words: ďYouíre too young to understandĒ out of the mouth of some asshole twenty-something once more, Iíll beat them to death with whateverís handy.
Everybody who has (or in this case, had) a friend a year or two older than they has had a conversation similar to the following:
Dipshit Friend: Well, the rising action was a little stale, but I thought that the climactic scene of (insert crappy indy film) was darkly symbolic of manís inhumanity to man. And the cinematography was incredible; it really served to enhance the protagonistís tortured state of mind. Have you seen (crappy film)?
You: Yeah, I didnít really like it.
Dipshit Friend: WHAT??!!!?!?! OMGWTF????!!!!!!!!! HOW CAN ANYBODY NOT LIKE THAT MOVIE?? ITíS LIKE THE BEST MOVIE EVER!!! ITíS SO DEEP AND PROFOUND AND PHILOSOPHICAL!!! OMG!! I CANíT BELIEVE YOU SAID ITíS A BAD MOVIE!!!
You: Iím not saying itís a bad movie, Iím just-
Dipshit Friend: YOU JUST DONíT UNDERSTAND IT!!!!!! YOUíRE TOO YOUNG TO COMPREHEND HOW AWESOME IT IS!!!!! ARRRCKCKCKRGRRGGGHHH!!!!
My blood is boiling just typing that. If yours isnít, that probably means youíre the dipshit friend, and you should probably stop reading right now, because you wonít be able to fathom how the rest of this rant applies to you.
Apparently, being a year out of high school lends a person a worldly wisdom like no other. This would explain why the finer, life-affirming points of ďGarden StateĒ were lost on me, being only sixteen, and therefore too mentally stunted to accurately judge a shitty movie when I see it. Iím sure that once I start going to community college full time, in pursuit of the illustrious ďart associatesĒ degree, Iíll have my own personal come-to-Jesus, too. Or maybe I wonít, and youíre just a dick.
What the hell is wrong with college students? They think that having been through an extra year of school makes them rocket scientists. Now that theyíre a member of the elite club that is College, they can sit in Starbucks with their $15 cappuccino and competently debate everything from theology to the meaning of life, and others will marvel at their intellect. Hereís a newsflash, folks: taking an introductory philosophy class doesnít make you fucking Socrates! It makes you a complete ponce who canít come up with ideas of their own. You arenít ďenlightenedĒ and you donít know shit, so step down, Apollo!
And while weíre talking about Starbucks, hereís something else that makes me furious. Have you ever gone into a coffee shop and seen some dumbshit with a choppy haircut and rectangular glasses sitting there reading Marx or Nietzche? More importantly, have you ever gone into a coffee shop and seen someone *without* a choppy haircut and rectangular glasses reading Marx or Nietzche? Because last time I checked, the local consumer whore Mecca wasnít exactly a breeding ground for literati. What the fuck are these people thinking? That if they show off their copy of the Communist Manifesto in public, others will see them and think theyíre looking at some kind of undiscovered genius? WRONG! I donít know about you, but when I see someone like that, the first phrase that pops into my head is ďattention-seeking dildoĒ. But apparently, Iím too young to understand.
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