July 7, 2005
[ Please note: This letter was found in my driveway this morning, engraved on two stone tablets. It was not received via normal means ]
This is God. No, it's ok, you can get off your knees. I'm not writing you today looking for praise and worship or to smite you or anything like that. I figure that since you like to run around claiming to be a "god" all the time, then maybe we could have ourselves a god to God talk.
Lately, I've been very upset by the people down there who claim to represent me. To be honest, I'm getting really sick and tired of the bad reputation that so many of my so-called "followers" have been giving me. For example...
Jerry Falwell (and most of the south) claims that I hate homosexuals and condemn them to hell. I guess maybe they got a bad copy of the Bible that's missing the part where it says "God is love." I don't hate anyone. Not murders, rapists, pedophiles, Fox News anchors, torturers, despots, and certainly not homosexuals. Yeah, sure, I'm a little ticked off that they're using my fine machinery (the human body) in ways that I didn't intend, but that's not reason to hate them and I'm certainly not going to keep them out of Heaven just for that! I mean, c'mon, if you use a flashlight as a hammer, do you really think the flashlight maker cares? So, if some guy is using an anus as a point-of-entry, do you really think I care? Of course not!
George Bush and all his friends keep putting my name into this war stuff... Their Bibles must be defective too, because I distinctly recall telling my guys to write things in there about loving your enemy, turning the other cheek, and I even took the time to come all the way down there (it's an 8 hour drive!) just to write down "Thou Shalt Not Kill" (among other things). One would think that my position on war being a VERY BAD THING is quite clear.
So here's my question for you. What do you think I should do to remedy the problem of how badly my good name and reputation are being maligned down on Earth?
Wow, I'm really honored that you chose to talk to me about this, considering how many other gods there are out there with much more experience than me. That really means a lot to me, so thanks Big Guy.
I can totally understand how you feel. One of my followers has a really bad habit of constantly misinterpretting the Word of Galen and sometimes even just making shit up and making it sound like it's something I would say (Yeah, I'm talking about you Willy/Carden/Jon, you fucktard)! The way I deal with it is to just set the record straight myself and tell my errant disciple to shut the fuck up and stop pretending to know what's going on in my head. Heh, it's awfully funny the things these little people come up with when they try so hard to understand something so vastly superior to them as we gods, eh?
So, here's my advice, Almighty One. I think you should just fuck it all up. Come on down here and just fucking kill everything. Remember the last time human beings got all uppity? You totally came down here and took a giant piss on everything, leaving nothing but Noah, the Zoophile. Man, that was so fuckin' awesome! I mean, I really admire the way you just laid the smack-down on the whole damn planet when they pissed you off. I seriously think it's time to do that again. If you want, I can go ahead and put together the names of some people who should be spared (I mean, if you plan to spare anybody this time... if you don't, that's cool too).
I hope it all works out for you, God. I really am very sorry that these pathetic assholes are ruining your rep. Take care, bro.
Not stupid enough to say something rude to you,
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