Wasted youth is better by far the a wise and productive old age.
Lord Galen
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Disney Job
July 27, 2005

Dear Galen

Listen you asshole! Unlike you some people have to work and feed them selves. Not all of us can be gods like your bitch ass.

I need some fucking advice. Tomorrow morning I have an interview with “the happiest place on earth” Disneyland. Give me some good pointers on what to do and what not to do. For instance, I heard that it looks really good if you pick your nose and wipe it on the interviewer’s desk. That true?

Please help,
Your Secret Lover
******* ***** [name omitted by Galen]

Dear Dumbass

You're not my secret lover. Katie Holmes would be very upset if she knew you were trying to move in on her territory, so back off bitch!

Ok, you want advice on how to reel in a winning interview at Disney Land, eh? Alright, here for the first time in print is Galen's 5 step Interview Guide for Disney Land!

Step 1: Make sure you dress nicely for your interview. Some jean shorts that sag down to your knees and this shirt would be perfect!

Step 2: No employer likes a messy employee! Make sure you clean yourself thoroughly in the lobby while you're waiting to be interviewed. If you don't have any cleaning supplies on hand, you can just do what a cat does and lick yourself repeatedly until all the dirt is gone. You'll want to spend extra time on your balls.

Step 3: Since the biggest customers to Disney Land are kids, be sure to strongly emphasize how much you love kids. A good visual demonstration of this would be to bring in Barbie's little sister, Kelly. You can start making out with Kelly and licking her all up and down while saying, "See, man, I totally fuckin' LOVE kids!" Your potential boss will be most impressed.

Step 4: Your boss will need to know what an assertive guy you are and that you can get things done! So be sure to point out the picture of his wife sitting on the desk and let him know in no uncertain terms that you could make her cum at least 3 times faster than he can!

Step 5: Whatever you do, don't ask smart-ass Internet personalities for advice on how to get a job.

I hope this helps you out, dude. If not, then I can only suggest that you learn how to use Google, ya git! Here:


Find your own damn advice, shit head. Job interview... what the fuck?!

Ok, ok, seriously though, there's nothing to it. You go in, you sit down and you talk. Make sure you sit up straight (don't slouch), keep your hands joined in front of you, and whenever you're not sitting up straight, LEAN FOWARD! This shows you're really interested in what the interviewer has to say. Oh, and the very most important thing is SMILE bitch! Don't sit there looking like a total fucking twat. You should try to smile as much as possible. They aren't going to hire a miserable dumbass. I shouldn't have to tell you how to dress, unless you're an idiot. I'll asume you are though, so make sure you wear slacks, a button-down shirt (tucked in) and don't forget the belt (you'll need it to beat the shit out of the guy if he doesn't hire you)! Oh, and when they ask "Do you have any questions?" don't be stupid and go "uh..no." Ask some fucking questions, you prick! If you don't have any questions, that tells me that you haven't put much thought into this job and don't really know what you want out of it (and I swear to God, if you write me again asking for a list of questions, I'll call Disneyland and tell them you jack off to Lizzie McGuire).

That about cover it? Good! I hope they don't hire an obvious moron like you, but just in case they do, SEND ME FREE TICKETS - 10 OF THEM!


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