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Corporal punishment is it’s PC name these days. Back in my childhood days (which weren’t so long ago, mind you) we called it by simpler terms. It was “getting’ a whippin” or “getting’ yer ass tore up” or “getting’ yer ass beat” or just plain getting “spanked.” The term “corporal punishment” makes it sound a lot less harsh than it really is. Let’s dispense with that stupid ass word, right now.

So, what is my opinion on using spanking as a punishment for children? My opinion is that it IS sometimes necessary, but it should ALWAYS be the very last resort. This is most often not the case, though. Damnit, when God said “he who spares the rod hates his son” he wasn’t telling you that if you love your kid, you should beat the living hell out of him for every little thing he does and every fucking time he gets on your damn nerves or does something to piss you off!

Therein lies the problem. Parents these days either “don’t believe in” spanking and they usually end up with the worst fuckin’ kids within a 50 mile radius OR they do “believe in” spanking and practice a policy of doling out spankings as the initial be-all and end-all punishment in which case they end up with wonderfully behaved children who just happen to be so well behaved because they’re fucking terrified! In the case of the former, most kids won’t take you seriously if you can’t give a smack every now and then for serious things. They won’t respect you very much and they’re gonna run all over your stupid ass! In the case of the latter, you have kids who’ve been literally beaten into submission by tyrannical dictators who reward disobedience to their whims by inflicting pain.

Neither road is correct! Spanking is indeed a valuable tool for punishing a child, however like any tool it must be used properly! You wouldn’t use ONE tool to fix everything that goes wrong with your car, would you? Then why the fuck do you use ONE tool to “fix” everything that your kid does wrong?! Spanking is a powerful and effective tool when used in the correct way! Spanking your child for some stupid little shit is like using a fucking rotary saw to cut out coupons – it’s overkill, you idiot! Yes, it works, but that’s not the point!

Listen, when your child won’t shut the fuck up and let you watch Monday Night Football, is it really necessary to swat him on the ass for it? No, you dildo, tell him to go play in his room! Of course, the ideal thing would be for you to get off your sorry ass and spend some time with your child instead of watching a bunch of jock douche-bags practicing their hidden homo-erotic tendencies by slamming into each other and climbing all over their pals.

Now let’s deal with the other side of this particular loser coin. I’m talking about you yuppie ass, “Dr. Spock” loving, new-age parenting, soccer mom, bullshit mother fuckers! You’re the kind of person that makes a teacher want to run screaming for the hills. Why? Because you bring in your “perfect little angel” and your kid turns out to be the devil incarnate. Then, when the teacher tries to tell you that your child is an evil little hell-spawn, you either don’t believe her or don’t fuckin’ care. You’ll usually spout off some bullshit about how the kid never does anything like that at home. BULLSHIT! Yes, your kid is a little shit everywhere he goes; the only difference is that YOU aren’t fuckin’ bright enough to see it! You’re probably the kind of person who thought it was “cute” when your 2 year old threw her first temper tantrum. Excuse me while I fuckin’ puke! No, it isn’t fuckin’ cute and no your child is not so damn perfect that they don’t need their ass smacked every now and then.

Now, let me address the most common argument from each of these extreme groups.

First, let’s address the pro-spanking people. Whenever someone attacks their “way of life” and says that they shouldn’t spank their kids, the first fuckin’ think out of their stupid little mouths is always “Don’t tell me how to raise my kids!” Ok, listen up, Bubba-Jimbo-bob. I AM telling you how to raise your kids. Got that? No fancy bullshit excuses or double-talk here, I’m telling you straight out that I AM telling you how to raise your fucking kids because you’re not doing it right, moron! Let’s get something straight here, you don’t have ANY “rights” to smack your kid around. The people who start bitching about “parental rights” the loudest are usually the ones who need their kids taken way from them, so don’t even THINK about trying to pull that bullshit with me, fuck-face! I’ll be ranting about so-called “parental rights” another time, but for right now, just accept this: Parents don’t have rights, they have responsibilities! Got that? You have a responsibility TO your children, not rights REGARDING your children! When you’re going around hitting your kids for every little fucking thing they do that pisses you off, somebody needs to tell you how to raise your fuckin’ kid cuz you damn sure ain’t gettin’ it right on your own, crack-head!

Now, the second group. The first thing out of their mouths is that corporal punishment is abuse, not discipline. Look, I’m glad your kids are so fuckin’ wonderful that they never needed a smack or two, but most people don’t have it so great, ok? When my kid knocks the living shit out of another kid for no reason at all, you had better believe I’m gonna take a paddle to his ass for it! No, sitting him down and having a nice little reasoning chat with him WON’T fuckin’ do it! You sit there and reason with a 3 year old until you’re blue in the face, he still won’t get it. You whack him one good time on the ass and tell him that’s his punishment for hitting someone else, he’ll remember that shit for sure!

Now, in closing, I’d like to offer a little guide to parents regarding corporal punishment. It’s just a few little rules, nothing major, but following these guidelines will help you to be a better parent. Take it from me (someone who’s worked with young children for about 9 years).

1: Spanking is a powerful tool and also the most effective. It is to be used ONLY as the last resort; never as the first (or only) punishment. Solving a discipline problem with a child in a way that actually teaches them something is NOT a simple one-step process. If you’re not willing to put time into it, then you have no right to call yourself a parent. Obviously, I’m not talking about little shit like smacking a child’s hand for grabbing a cookie after you told them “no.” That’s a whole different thing.

2: Before you spank your child, talk to them. Make sure that they understand why you’re doing it and what they need to do to avoid this type of punishment in the future. Also, share your own feelings with them and make sure they understand that you feel like you’ve tried everything else and that this is the only option left to you.

3: Wailing away on the kid’s ass is completely uncalled for. ONE firm and solid smack to the ass will usually get your point across nicely. That’s being conservative though. As an absolute, no more than 5 solid blows should be given.

4: This one is very important. Never (and I mean NEVER) administer corporal punishment out of anger! Spanking your child is a punishment method, it is NOT a permit for you to beat the shit out of your child because they made YOU angry! The purpose of spanking is to punish and to teach. The purpose of spanking is NOT for you to vent your anger over what your child has done! Any parent who strikes their child out of anger is an abusive parent, period! No matter how angry they may’ve made you, send them to their rooms and calm down before giving ANY punishment, especially a spanking!

5: Just like laws, the rules of your house must be known. If you’ve never told your kids that it’s against the rules to kick each other, then how dare you get angry when they do it! Make sure that your children all know the rules and the punishments they will receive for breaking those rules.

That’s about it. Don’t beat your kids and don’t baby them to death. Either end of that scale is dangerous and harmful to them in more ways than I can count. If you have any doubts about what to do, just e-mail me and I’ll set your fuckin’ ass straight! If you've got a problem with me telling you that you suck as a parent, blow it out your ass! Don't like me telling you how to raise your kids? Then, do it right you fuckin' asshole!

"You don't lead by hitting people over the
head. That's assault, not leadership."

-Dwight Eisenhower