It is far better to grasp the universe as it really is than to persist in delusion, however satisfying and reassuring.
-Carl Sagan
Lord Galen
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Male Insecurity

As much as I love to bitch about women and all the stupid fucking things they do, my first truly gender biased rant here is going to be about men. Yes, my fellow XY Chromosome holders, you’re about to get shot down.

There is one thing about the majority of the male gender that really fucking pisses me off. Insecurity. Yes, men are fucking insecure about everything! I’m not going to bore you with some bullshit psychobabble about WHY men are insecure about shit. Nobody fucking cares why, they just are.

Probably the single biggest issue for men is not being secure in their sexuality. Yes, I said “their” not “our.” I don’t lump myself in with the rest of you losers; I’m a whole different breed of man! For example, just try asking a guy to do something “feminine” like holding his girlfriend’s purse for a minute. Most men will flip the fuck out and be all like “Nah, baby, I ain’t doin’ that shit. I’ll look like a fag or something!” And there’s what it all boils down to. Heterosexual (?) men are so fucking afraid to do anything that might make them appear “un-manly” or “queer” or some other stupid thing like that. Oh, Heaven forbid a little boy might be interested in doing something like becoming a ballet dancer or even a nurse! The poor little guy’s dad will snap and give him a 3 hour lecture on why that’s wrong and how “boys don’t do that stuff – that’s for girls.” Oh, fuck you, caveman.

How about if a man is asked his opinion on what another guy looks like? That’s always funny as shit to see their brains twisting around trying as hard as they possibly can NOT to think of another guy “like that.” Oh, please! This, I think, comes from the stupid fantasy that all women are lesbians. Just bear with me for a second, I’m gonna explain that! See, guys don’t mind when a woman says that some other woman has a nice body. Guys don’t mind it because they think that deep down there’s some sexual connotation behind it. No there isn’t, you fuck! When a woman says “Damn, she’s got a nice ass!” she’s really saying “Damn, I wish MY ass looked like that!” If guys would get the fuck over thinking that there’s a sexual meaning behind every damn thing, they’d be able to do that too. For example, let me prove how secure I am. I think Wesley Snipes has a fuckin’ great body (and a kick-ass last name too, lol)! Now, I think that cuz I want MY body to look like that, not because I want to fuck him, you dipshit! Ignorant homophobic pricks… Damn, you guys get on my nerves!

Ladies, you wanna hear some more male insecurities? Try telling your man that you want to spice things up in the bedroom. He could take this one of two ways. If he’s pretty slow on the uptake, he’ll just think “hell yeah” but if he’s got at least half a brain, the chances are that he’s going to think that he’s not performing well enough in bed and that you’re trying to tell him that he’s not a good lay.

Let me explain this to you in psychobabble. See, men have the mindset of “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it” while women have the mindset of “If it’s not broken, it can be made better.” So, when you bitches try to make something about your man “better,” he interprets it as “she thinks I’m broken and need to be fixed” (fixed as in “repaired”, not neutered…stop laughing, the pun was unintentional). If you think I’m full of shit…well, I’m just not. I got that one straight out of that “Men are From Mars…” book. Yes, guys, I have read it and NO that doesn’t make me gay…dumbass.

Now that you understand this, ladies, I gotta say…you need to stop fixing things that don’t need fixing. Yup, I’m changing it up now and bitching at the bitches for this paragraph! Now that you are AWARE of the miscommunication, fuckin’ stop it! Leave us the fuck alone and stop trying to make us “better” you dumb whores! If we want to become better at anything, we’ll do it ourselves; so keep your mouth on my dick and your hands on my balls and shut the fuck up!

Listen, guys (yeah, back to the guys now), it is seriously time to get over this neanderthal bullshit. There’s lots of things that guys can do (and, in fact, secretly WANT to do) that they just won’t even try to do because it might make them appear less masculine. Get over it, asshole! Why the fuck do you care if some homophobic jock-strap thinks you’re gay? As long as you still like pussy, you’re not gay, you dweeb! And, quite frankly, only ignorant low-lifes would even CARE if you were!

Like I said, I’m a different breed of man. If my wife asks me to hold her purse, I throw it over my shoulder and prance around acting like the biggest queen you’ve ever seen. Why? Because it’s funny, that’s why. Mostly, I do that to make fun of beef-heads who think they’re too fucking manly to carry a damn bag! Yeah, I’ll carry the purse all damn day long, prance around, talk with a lisp, and then STILL beat your stupid ass with a tire iron if you need some “proof” as to my manhood! If a gay guy makes a pass at me, I don’t freak out like “Ew, no, get away from me you fuckin’ faggit!” I’ve been hit on by guys before (cuz I have a nice ass, damnit) and I always just politely tell them that I don’t swing that way. Does it make me less manly that I didn’t get all grossed out because some dude found me attractive? No, you freak! I’m still just much a man… Actually, that makes me a much bigger man than you homophobes because I’m man enough to use my fucking head for something other than knocking people down on a football field! IDIOTS!

Look, I can’t help it that don’t feel like a big enough man without being a fucking asshole to people. Yeah, I’m an asshole, but only to people who deserve it! I don’t have to be an asshole just to prove how big my balls are! I can prance around and curtsy like a little girl and STILL be twice the man you are, fucker!

How big of a man is Galen, really? Well, since most of you dickheads equate violence with masculinity, here’s my stats. I have NEVER lost a fight in my life – not once, ever. True, it’s because I’m a mean son of a bitch who doesn’t believe in fighting fair, but that’s not the point (hehehehe). Mainly though, the number one reason I’ve never lost a fight is because I’m man enough to know when to fight. I fight for a REASON, not just to prove what a big tough macho stud I am. If you come up to me on the street and shove me, trying to provoke a fight, I’m gonna tell you to get lost before I call the cops and press charges against you for putting your damn hands on me. If you come up to me and punch me, I AM going to have your stupid ass locked up. If you come up and hit my wife…THAT is when you get to see what a big tough man I am, because that’s when I’m gonna hold the taser on you until you can’t move and THEN beat you until I think I’ve heard enough cracks come from your rib cage! Then, YOU get to press charges and I still won’t give a fuck. Are you seeing my point here? My point is that there are REASONS to be violent, but there are no reason to be STUPID about it!

That “bad” enough for ya? Most of you stupid pricks won’t even get it. I’m not wasting my time on you anymore. Fuck off.

"As a rule, men worry more about what
they can't see than about what they can."

-Julius Caesar