There's no time to discriminate; hate every motherfucker that is in your way.
-Marilyn Manson
Lord Galen
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Wal-Mart's English Ain't No Good

You like that clever title? That was done intentionally, by the way, don’t e-mail me laughing about a grammatical error in a rant about proper English. Dumbass.

A few weeks ago, my wife and I were walking through Wal-Mart picking up some things we needed (like, y’know, food). Well, we cut through an aisle looking for something (don’t recall what) and came across this t-shirt. The smart-ass text on the front of the shirt said exactly this: “If you can read this your standing too close.” Alright, kids, you have 5 seconds to tell me what’s wrong with that sentence…..1…..2…..3…..4…..5….. Time’s up!

Did you find the problem? If not, you’re (hint hint) not only a fucking moron, but you also just failed a 2nd grade English test. Way to go, ya fuckin’ genius! The answer is simple: “If you can read this, your standing too close” should be written as “If you can read this you’re standing too close.”

Your: (possessive pronoun) - Of you or yourself

You’re: Contraction of the words “you are.”

Now maybe I’m just being a fucking anal retentive bitch about this, but that REALLY fucking pisses me off! That is a horrific example of how stupid people are! Just think about it for a second. That shirt had to be thought up by someone. It had to go through that person’s boss and maybe more before it got approval to be used as a t-shirt. After that, there would’ve been various designers and artists who had meetings about this shirt. After it was decided that the shirt would become a reality, it had to be designed and then viewed and accepted by the company. It then had to go to mass production where millions of these shirts would be printed up. After the printing, they had to be packaged and loaded on trucks and sent to millions of stores across the country. By the time that shirt gets hung on the shelf, it has been seen by thousands of people (and at least a few dozen of those people actually had to approve of this shirt being made)! How is it that NO ONE ever caught the mistake? How much of a testament is it to the intelligence of Americans that out of a group of thousands of random and unrelated people from all walks of life, not even ONE of them noticed a mistake that 2nd graders are required to recognize?! I mean, seriously, did everyone in the country fall asleep on the day they taught homonyms in school??? Don’t ask me what a homonym is, look it up you uneducated fuck! Oh, sorry, dictionaries work in alphabetical order! You might have trouble with that if you’re fucking illiterate like the idiots who made that shirt!

Now, you know what’s gonna happen, right? Within the next few weeks I’ll write a rant and use “your” where I should’ve used “you’re” (or vice versa) and then everybody is gonna be e-mailing me about and just think it’s funny as hell. Well, fuck you! I’m one person and bound to make mistakes at some point. That shirt was designed, manufactured, and distributed by a corporation! I expect the collective minds of thousands of people to be a bit better than my one mind. Apparently that’s not the case, though….

Listen dick-heads, if I use improper grammar in my writing it is done intentionally! Learn and accept that NOW! I’m not going to say “kiss my fucking ass” when “kiss my fuckin’ ass” sounds better! And if I choose to say “gonna” instead of “going to” it’s my fuckin’ problem, you dick wad! Who knows though, maybe these t-shirt designers did it on purpose? Maybe they wanted to see how smart people are. Well, you all just FLUNKED!

Just ran a Google search on the exact phrase “your too close.” It returned 421 hits. Holy shit, I am impressed! I was expecting results in the hundreds of thousands! One very incredible act of grammatical stupidity that the search brought up was a church sermon entitled “Your too close to your problem.” Wow…. I am stupefied… They actually managed to use “your” incorrectly in a sentence where they also used it correctly. Congratulations to, you’ve just earned the title of First Runner Up for the much desired, Galen’s “I can’t talk no better than the President” Award! Alas, is only the runner-up though! Let’s not forget the real winners here! I’d really love to present the winners of this award with their prize. If someone knows who created that awful t-shirt, please e-mail me so I can let ‘em have it!

"Stupid is as stupid does."
-Forrest Gump