The government of the United States of America is not in any sense founded on the Christian Religion.
-Treaty of Tripoli
Article 11 (1797)
Lord Galen
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Old People

You know how I’m always bitching about the rights of the young and how Ageism (age-based discrimination) is wrong and all that? Well, hand on tight, cuz I’m about to show what a hypocritical asshole I am!

Yup, you guessed it, I fucking hate old people! Not all of them, mind you, but most of them. Why, you ask? It’s simple; the elderly are the single most age-discriminating mother fuckers out there! Oh, they bitch and moan about how badly they’re treated and how people should respect them because of all their knowledge and bullshit. Hey, granny, FUCK OFF!

If one more fucking old person gives me their condescending little look I’m going to fuckin’ snap! You know the look. Usually, they’re not shy about coming right out and saying what they’re thinking, so there isn’t exactly any mystery behind the look. It’s the look that says “I hate you because you’re young and stupid and don’t know shit.” Again, granny, buy a wrinkly dildo and GO FUCK YOURSELF!

Old people think they’re so fuckin’ special because they’ve lived a long time and know a bunch of pointless shit. Hey, guess what you old bag, the fact that you “were once my age” doesn’t mean shit. Being 25 years old back in 1950 is a far fuckin’ cry from being 25 years old today, asshole! Same thing goes for the bullshit you put on teenagers. Damn, that used to piss me off faster than anything when I was like 16. Some old crone thinks they can give advice about growing up when they don’t even have a fuckin’ clue what the world is like.

That’s really what it all boils down to, right there. The elderly are still living in their fuckin’ past and somehow completely missed the fact that the world moved on. They’re still referring to anyone under the age of 45 as a “damn kid.”

And that’s another thing; they throw the word “kid” around like it’s a fuckin’ insult! Them calling you a “kid” is like when a redneck calls a black man “boy.” No, the word itself isn’t bad, but the meaning behind it is condescending and arrogant. As if being young is some sort of fuckin’ crime!

Well, listen up you fuckin’ wrinkle-trolls. Take heed of this fair warning before you go looking down on us young folks again. Ok, sure, you know a lot of shit and have a lot of memories; fuckin-a great for you! Trouble is, for all you know, I can still kick your ass! Yeah, that’s right, remember that bum hip? BAM! Oops, look, you’ve fallen and you can’t get up! What’s that? You killed 10,000 men with your bare hands back in Korea so I shouldn’t fuck with you? Well, BAM, I just shattered your brittle dried-up knee, how’s that? You’re not some fuckin’ bad-ass, dude. Nobody cares what kind of big bad shit you did way-back-when. You know why? Hey, you were YOUNG when you did all that cool shit, asshole! You’re not anymore, so sit down, eat your damn Jello-O™, piss in your Depends™ and leave me the fuck alone!

There is one very good thing about the elderly though. Yes, one truly great thing that makes me smile when I think about it. No matter what they say or do, no matter how friggin’ awesome they think they are, no matter how inferior they think I am, the fact still remains: They’ll be dead soon and I won’t, so fuck them. Oh yeah, that bitch that total your brand-new car last week, don’t worry about her. Sure, she’s out on the road fuckin’ shit up now, but just wait. Soon, you can go to her funeral and laugh cuz it only cost you a few grand to get your car fixed, but that stupid bitch ain’t never gonna be fixed again! Mwahahahahahahaha!!!!

And what’s with this good ‘ol traditional family values bullshit about respecting your elders? Fuck that! I used to get in trouble when I was younger cuz I’d actually tell an old fart that he/she was wrong and being a total fuckin’ dick! My mom would lecture me that it didn’t matter because they were old and I should respect them. What-the-fuck-ever! I respect people who act in a way that deserves respect; nobody gets my respect just for living a long damn time, that’s fuckin’ stupid! Hell, anybody can do that! Most people live to be old, what’s so fuckin’ special about that? What the hell makes that worthy of respect? Stop treating everyone who can still make it to the bathroom on time like they’re beneath you and maybe you’ll get so fuckin’ respect, bitch!

Lemme give props though. Some old people are cool. Some old people actually get the fact that they can’t be all dominant and shit anymore, so they just act like cool old people and since they’re so cool, they could actually get you to do anything anyway, cuz you actually DO respect them. I’m talking about respect because they know how to treat people in a way other than “you’re stupid because you don’t know as much as me.” So what? Of course I don’t know as much as them, I’m not ancient! I know enough to survive being my age and that’s all the fuck I need to know right now. If I had to suddenly be 80, I’d probably be fucked, but that’s not going to happen for another 65 years so get over it. Anyway, cool old people… My grandpa was cool. He rocked. I remember a few years before he died, he was out taking a walk and these teenagers decided to mug him. That was the funniest shit cuz my frail old grandpa knocked the hell out of one of ‘em and broke the other one’s arm! LOL! Now THAT was cool! So, yeah, old people can do cool things. In fact, I’d bet that most old people are pretty cool if they could ever get over themselves long enough to show it.

There is indeed a lot we could learn by listening to our elders. We shouldn’t be sticking them in homes and forgetting about them and not fuckin’ taking care of them and shit like that. Then again, they tend to piss us off a lot and most of them kinda ask for that shit! You want your kids to come visit you in the home (or better yet, take care of you themselves instead of sticking you in a home)? Well, don’t be a dick! If all you’ve ever done is tell your son or daughter what losers they are, they’re gonna let your stupid ass rot and you’ll fuckin’ deserve it!

So, listen to your elders and respect them, if they deserve it. Just like anyone else. They’re not fuckin’ special because they’re still alive. It’s not a major accomplishment; everybody does it. Being geriatric isn’t great, fuckwad.

In conclusion, I’d like to make a special request to God. Lord, please don’t let me get old. Please strike me dead before I get old and feeble. I don’t want to be one of these old bastards who has to ask someone to wipe his ass. Nobody likes being helpless and that includes me. God, just take me out quick. Maybe a drive-by or a cool ass lightening strike…yeah, that’d rock.

If I have to be old though…please grant me a hot 20 year old who’s only after my money and is willing to do anything to get in my will. And please, dear Lord, let me die of a heart attack as she rides my pruney ass like a wild stallion!


"Age does not always bring wisdom.
Sometimes age comes alone."

-Garrison Keillor