Wizard's Third Rule: Passion rules reason, For better or for worse.
-Terry Goodkind
Lord Galen
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Drunk Driving

Yeah, I know, I spend a lot of time ranting about "fringe" issues (so to speak) and not too much talking about mainstream problems like this. However, I'm just in the mood right about now to bitch about this particular thing, so here we go...

I talk a lot about how people are stupid. I mention it and give examples all the fucking time. Yet, of all the stupid shit people do, I still have a hard time believeing just how incredibly and unbelievably fucking STUPID drunk drivers are.

These days, most people know better than to get behind the wheel when they've been drinking. That message has been pounded into the heads of Generation X for a long time and it's sunk in pretty well, I'd say. I can remember being at parties around age 16 or 17 where we'd all be drinking which was illegal, of course, and many might say irresponsible as well. However, regardless of how illegal or irresponsible it may have been, there is one thing that I remember clearly - nobody drove home drunk. We had a designated driver or we all just crashed wherever we were. I'm talking about people ranging in age from early teens to mid twenties, but all of these people still agreed that driving drunk was just stupid. This is the amazing part to me: When I think back to how many no-count loser asshole friends I had as a teenager and realize that even these complete fucking morons knew better than to drive drunk... How is it that anybody else in the whole fucking world could NOT get it???

Alright, let's cut the bullshit. You're an idiot if you get behind the wheel when you're under the influence. There is no better way to put it - you're just fucking stupid.

"Oh, but Galen, I just did it this one time cuz I didn't have no ride home or nothin" Then you're a fucking idiot. Sleep in your car if you have to; don't drive it. Call your parents, get in trouble for drinking. Who fucking cares?! It's a helluva lot better than the alternative!

"Oh no, Galen's gonna start preaching that shit about how you could kill somebody or get yourself killed..." Yup, you're damn right I am. Y'know why? Cuz it's FUCKING TRUE you moron! God, how fucking stupid are you?! What, the millions of people who've been killed from DUI aren't enough to prove it to you? Oh, but of course, those were *other* people, right? That wasn't you. No, you're a good driver. You've never had an accident and never even missed a turn while drunk. Could never happen to you. Spell this out with me, kiddies...

B - U - L - L - S - H - I - T

Complete and total fucking bullshit, ya fuck! Are you really that damn stupid to think that something can't happen to you, just because it never has before? Are you really so sure of your fucking ability to drive? Dude, I've never broken my arm before and I've been walking for over two decades, but that doesn't mean that I can't go out in a few minutes to get a drink from the fridge, stumble, fall down and break my fucking arm! No, it's never happened before and I'm an EXCELLENT walker. Yes, very very proficient at the skill of walking. Get the point, dipshit?

No, you don't get it. You're an idiot, of course you don't get it. People have told you all this shit before and you're still sitting there with a smug little punk-ass attitude thinking that it'll never happen to you. Why the fuck not? Are you special? Immortal perhaps? If you want to sit there and tell me "it'll never happen to me" then I have to ask you "Why not?" WHY won't it ever happen to you? Believe me, your brains damn sure aren't going to save you, that's for sure!

Oh, hold on there Mister druggie pothead asshole... Let me set THIS bullshit straight while I'm at it.

I am so fucking sick and damn tired of hearing about how "safe" it is to drive when you're high. "Nah, man, it's not like being drunk... I actually drive better when I'm high..." Hey, here's an amazing insight for you, dickhead: Pot and other drugs are MIND ALTERING chemicals! That means they change the way your brain works AND the way you percieve things. The truth (listen up, crack boy) is that you THINK that you drive better when you're high. Dude, I have SEEN mother fuckers driving down the road swerving all over the place and even while they're swerving they fucking SWEAR that they're driving in a perfectly straight line! Get this - and get it now:



Hey, who can blame you for not figuring that out, right? I mean, who'd have ever thought that mind altering chemicals just might make you think things that aren't true? Duhhhhhhhh...... Gee, "mind-alterting" ... just what does that mean... Oh, let's define it in retard terminology: It makes you think differently, fucktard!

You CANNOT drive when drunk!

You CANNOT drive when high!

You CANNOT argue with these facts (facts, asshole, FACTS!) that have been proven and proven and proven and proven and proven and fucking proven some more!

You know why I care about drunk driving so much? Kids, man. Children, the only people on this earth that I generally give a damn about. When you get your stupid drunk ass behind the wheel, hell I'd HOPE you kill yourself! But that's not all that's at risk. No matter what time of night or day it is, you still run the risk of killing or permanently injuring a child (or anyone else). You step into my fucking neighborhood with your drunk driving, possible-child-killing ass and I will straight FUCK YOU UP! Don't think for a second that I wouldn't flash my headlights and get you pull over just so I can take your keys and throw them into the woods (I've done it to a total stranger and that was in my teen years when my balls were only about 1/8 the size they are now, bitch). "Man, I'll beat the shit outta you if you do that!" So? So fuckin' what, tough guy? I don't give a damn if you put me in a fuckin' coma, but you will NOT drive drunk if *I* can stop you! And let it be known that I have been a DUI narc on many occasions. If I'm driving behind your drunk ass, you can bet I've already copied down your tag number and vehicle description and if there's a cell phone near, you can bet your ass I'm on it, reporting your stupid ass.

I give slack on a lot of things. I believe in exceptions for almost every rule. Not this one. I don't care if your whole family just died, you better not get behind that wheel drunk. Miss the funeral, asswipe.

Oh, and do try to remember the phrase that will get you slapped by me for being stupid: "No, really, I CAN drive when I'm high..." No, really, you're a moron if you believe that.

"Don't drive drunk, ya fuckin' idiot!"