It is the stupidest children who are the most childish and the stupidest grown-ups who are the most grown-up.
-C.S. Lewis, The Silver Chair
Lord Galen
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Low Carb, High Bullshit
If I have to hear one more fucking word about the Atkins Diet, I think I'll fucking scream! Everywhere you look nowadays you see it everywhere: Low-carb, low-carb, low-carb, low-carb! Low Carb this and Atkins Approved that.. SHUT THE FUCK UP ALREADY!

Fine, we get it. The Atkins Diet is just fuckin' wonderful. You can lose a lot of weight by just avoiding foods like pastas, chicken, bread, etc. that are high in carbohydrates. It's a great tool for weight loss and the latest and greatest miracle diet...

However, the problem that plagues every so-called "miracle diet" remains the same with Atkins' as well: If it seems to good to be true, then it probably is.

Ladies and gentlemen, you've been had. Once again, the sheepish population has fallen subject to the Wizards First Rule. The Wizards Rules are a product of fantasy novelist Terry Goodkind's "Sword of Truth" series. Fiction or not, the rules are nevertheless very accurate descriptions of the real world. The Wizard's First Rule states: "People are stupid; they will believe any lie either because they want to believe it is true or because they are afraid it is true." The overweight population of America wants desperately to believe in an effective way to shed those unwanted pounds. They want to believe this so much, in fact, that the Wizard's First Rule applies. And so, you people have all been totally bullshitted into believing in the Atkins Diet with no further thought about it.

Now, don't get me wrong! Don't start sending your e-mails telling me how great the low-carb system has worked for you! Believe it or not, I am not saying that it doesn't work. As a matter of fact, the Atkins "low-carb" diet most certainly does work. If you use the Atkins diet, you will damn sure lose weight. Let me make that clear right now.

So, if the diet works, then what the fuck is my problem with it? Why am I bitching about all of you being lied to and tricked into the diet when even I admit that it works? People, it's not a matter of IF it works, it's a matter of HOW and WHY it works. Try to follow along here, you dim little shits....

Approximately 60% of the calories you ingest each day come from carbohydrates. So, it's not much of a leap to see that if you reduce carbs, you also reduce calories. However, here's something that almost all diets fail to point out to you ignorant people: Calories are you body's FUEL! You need calories to LIVE, moron! The Atkins Diet works because it gets you to reduce (or completely eliminate) the main nutrient that your body takes in. Naturally, if you cut down on your body's main source of fuel, you will lose weight. It doesn't take a fuckin' genius to figure that out and it shouldn't take much brain power to figure out that this weight loss will come at a high price.

When you're on a low-carb diet, it's common to lose as much as 10 to 15 pounds even within the first 24 hours of the diet. Amazing, right? However, what you people don't realize is that the weight you are losing is not fat, it's muscle glycogen (the energy stored within your muscle tissue) and bodily water.

Feeling a little pissed right about now? I know, it's hard to let go of something you believe so strongly in. Atkins helps you lose weight and it obviously works (and works damn well, at that). How about we take a look at some of the other great things that Atkins can do for your body:

• acetone breath
• gout (painful inflammation of the joints)
• high cholesterol
• kidney damage
• weakness
• acne or dry skin
• thinning hair
• increased risk of heart attack
• yellowish instead of white eye balls
• set back or sunken eye balls
• catabolism (muscle loss)
• frequent urination
• vitamin and mineral loss
• mood swings
• headaches
• dizzy spells
...and a whole host of other health problems attributed to having a VERY unbalanced diet. Oh, but a lot of that stuff isn't so bad, right? And, of couse, you won't get any of the bad stuff... No, not you... Listen, idiot, yes you will.

Another thing. Even though the diet does work and it WILL make you lose weight, because of the way it works, you're most likely to gain back twice as much weight as soon as you stop low-carb dieting! And if you're thinking "Well, then I'll just stay on the Atkins Diet forever" then apparently you haven't been paying one damn bit of attention. Actually, y'know what, go ahead and try that. Just try low-carb dieting on a long term scale and see what that gets you. According to fitness experts, the American Heart Association, and the American Dietary Association, what it will get you is DEAD! The human body simply can NOT live long without the consumption of carbohydrates!

At this point, you may be wondering, "If it's so unsafe, then why do doctors recommend it?" Well, it all depends on what you ask your doctor, now doesn't it? If you ask him whether or not the Atkins Diet works, he will honestly answer "Yes, it works" (because it does indeed work). However, try asking him if it's safe... "No, it is not safe."

So, let's take a look at your choices, shall we?

(A) - Start the Atkins Diet, lose the weight you want quickly, and then stop the diet, whereupon you will most likely regain all the weight you lost and then some.

(B) - Start the Atkins Diet and stay on it permanently in which case your body will soon begin to fail due to malnutrition and you will be forced to either resume a normal diet (and regain all the weight you lost and then some) or stubbornly stick with low-carb dieting and fucking die like the moron you are.

(C) - Avoid the Atkins Diet altogether because it's a total fucking crock of shit.
There's your choices. Pretty simple if you ask me, but people are morons and so you'll do what you want anyway, regardless of the facts.


Fitness Expert, Justin Leonard -

American Dietary Association -

ABC News - Article on Atkins Diet

(Various Articles referred to a study done by the American Heart Association, however their own website,, just tries to get me to download a file when I go to it. Maybe you'll have better luck.)