If you speak the truth, have one foot in the stirrup.
-Turkish proverb
Lord Galen
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Alphabetically Offending You
In honor of my recent rise in unpopularity, here's a nice alphabetical list of random thoughts that're gauranteed to offend everybody.


Arists are pussies. Being an artist or an "art critic" isn't a real job. Go lift some iron, you sensivite sack of shit.

Babies are for killing; that's why God makes them. Why else would they be so small and defenseless? Grab your newborn and give it a quick punt out the window! Fun for the whole family (assuming your other kids survived, that is). Chances are, your neighborhood pedophile will be waiting below the window anyway and will have a nice juicy "pacifier" to make the baby stop crying (or cry harder... it all depends).

Crying isn't manly; real men don't cry. I don't care what your feminist mother taught you; she was a whore anyway. Stop crying and ask your mommy to give your balls back.

Dolphins are cute and cuddly. Especially on cold lonely nights at the acquarium. I've read lots of stories about how people have sex with dolphins and it sounds fucking great. I'd like to try that some day. Don't believe me? Read this. A female dolphin's vagina pulsates and massages your dick... sounds incredible. I totally got wood reading that story too.

Elmer's Glue isn't for glueing things. Think about it; did it ever really work that well? No, Elmer's is a child's first gateway drug. Make sure you buy your Kindergartener a huge stockpile of it so not only can they learn to be good little druggies, but they can start selling the shit and learn "economics" too!

Firemen aren't heroes. After 9/11 everybody starts thinking firemen are some kinda damn heroes; they're not. They put out fires and occasionally the crazy ones go save somebody. Hell, I've done the same thing as a kid with my dick and a full bladder! That's not a job. Firemen are pussies.

God hates you. He's sick and tired of your atheist crap and he's coming to kick your ass. Yeah, the Bible says He loves everybody, but He was just saying that. He didn't mean YOU. He hated you when you were born and He still hates you.

Hiroshima was the greatest marshmallow-roasting party in history. Oh, I'm sorry, did I say marshmallows? I meant to say Japanese women and children. Can't you just picture a cute sweet little toddler... "owie, mommy, my foot's on fire! Holy shit, it's all on fire!" and then the mom replies, "No, daughter, that can't be. We're just lying around in little pieces melting into the ground."

Incest - fun for the whole family! Children should be encouraged to fuck their siblings from a young age. I know my cousins and I certainly had a good time plugging each other up the ass when I was a wee lad!

Jews deserved it. You know they did. With their big noses and stupid accents. And let's not forget how they killed Jesus. I say, clone Hitler and make him the head of the Holocaust Support Group. I mean, he was there! He understands!

Ku Klux Klan members should get half-price discounts on tickets to the Apollo. I mean, if they're coming in to listen to you diss on white people (obviously to get the inspiration needed to string you up in the parking lot after the show), then they shouldn't have to waste all their money on it! I mean, ropes and hoods and shit are expensive!

Lung cancer is funny! Remember when your dear old dad got it and he could hardly breathe and he was in pain all the time? That was AWESOME!

Marilyn Monroe wasn't sexy or anything like that. I don't know why you fucks loved her so much. She was a fucking crack whore! The only difference between her and your average everyday skank is that she was rich and instead of sucking a bum's dick for a quick score of rock, she had to suck Cary Grant's limp noodle. She wasn't fucking glamorous, you dork. She over-dosed and shit herself. Wow, really fuckin' sexy.

Nerve gas gets the best results when tested on groups of new recruits and their families. That's a fact.

Oral sex is a right that every man is entitled to. If she won't give it up, just grab the bitch by the throat until her mouth is wide open for you!

Pedophiles are people too. What's so bad about a big sweaty old guy's dick in a 10-year-old asshole? It'll ensure that the kid will never get constipated ever again! C'mon, go out right now and find the local sex offender in your neighborhood! He'll welcome the opportunity to babysit for you and he probably won't even charge! What could be better than that!

Queefs are disgusting. Just because we men get to fart, that doesn't mean that any of you bitches are allowed to. Keep your pussy noises to yourself unless it's the sound of your pussy making those little squeegie noises while I pound it!

Rape isn't a real crime, you sissies! It's a great past-time, world wide. I mean, where would we be if Adam hadn't beat the shit out of Eve and split her in half that first night in Eden? And what about all the great American Presidents who found raping slave girls to be a great stress reliever at the end of the day? Support your local rapist, ladies! And, hey, if you don't like being raped, then just fucking consent, bitch!

Santa Claus hates you even more than God does.

Teenage girls were put on earth to be sex slaves to older men. Why else would they be so damn fine and completely powerless to resist us after just a few pills in their drinks?!

Umbilical cords are God's way of giving the baby an easy out if he's heard what his parents are going to be like and decides to just skip the whole damn thing. Remember when your baby died cuz the cord wrapped around his throat? It wasn't an accident, he just heard your constant bitching and said "fuck it!"

Virgins are a thing of the past. Look at your 16yo daughter. Guess what? She's NOT a virgin? Look at your 10 year old daughter? Guess what? She fucked the teacher to get that "A" you were so proud of! Look at your 3 year old. Guess what? All those crayons that keep disappearing...... "Oh, God, yes, BIG BIRD, give it to me!"

Women are mindless, meaningless objects. Their one and only purpose in life is to fuck and cook and bring me a beer when I get good and damn ready for one! Otherwise, you know what happens... that's right, here comes the tire iron baby!

Xenophobia is a chronic condition caused by too damn many Indian bastards taking over convenience stores! Let's kick those fuckers out right now!

Your mom sucked your dad's dick not long before she kissed you good-bye the last time you saw her. Think about that, asshole!

Zoos are just another form of shooting gallery (or orgy, depending on who you are). So, take a trip to your local zoo and kill (or fuck) a cute little baby seal today!


And just in case none of that offended you.... Go fuck yourself, you stupid pathetic.....

Spic / Dothead / Jap / Wop / Kike / Wetback / Gook / Chink / Towelhead / Faggot / Nigger / Jewboy

....and I hope I didn't leave anybody out!