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Technical Support
By: Xavier


“Hello, Welcome to technical support, how can I help you with your computer today?”

“Well, I’ve tried to start my computer several times today, but I can’t seem to get windows to load. I’m not exactly sure what the problem could be.”

“Are you sure your computer is plugged in, this is common mistake.”

“Yes, my computer is plugged in. I said I’ve tried to start it several times today. It turns on, but I’m not getting windows to load.”

“Have you tried restarting your computer?”

“Yes I’ve tried restarting my computer….”

“Okay, I’m going to need some background information on you sir. What is your name, address and phone number?”

“What?”

“What is your name address and phone number, sir?”

“Bob Dole
25 Hillmon Dr.
Tipicanue, North Dakota 43506
332-555-1256”

“Okay, Mr. Dole. What operating system are you running?”

”Windows XP”

“Is this service pack 1 or 2?”

“What?”

“Service Pack 1 or 2?”

“What?”

“Hot sex with men?”

“What?”

“Service Pack 1 or 2?”

“Fuck this, I’ll call back and hope for an American you Indian job stealing fuck-face.”

*Call 5x before getting an American. Get good advice technical support. Procedures will take several hours so you plan to call back later if there is still a problem*

… Get an Indian…. Feeling better so you give him a chance..

-Routine bullshit-

“I’ve figured out my problem. My hard drive is failing at startup. I’ve had my computer diagnosed by a professional.”

“I cannot trust this professional unless he is Circuit City Employee.”

“… This guy has a Bachelors degree.. You didn’t even graduate high school, did you?… Now, I’ve solved my problem. I was informed earlier that if I called back I could be sent a box to ship my computer in for you to replace the faulty hardware. If you’d be as kind as to ship me a box, please.”

“I cannot send you a box.”

“….Why not?”

“We have already solved your problem.. Your hard drive is not broken.”

“Yes, it is. I need a box to send you my computer in.”

“I cannot send you a box.”

Repeat 5x

“Why the fuck can’t you send me a box you dumb asshole? You’re not even here. How the fuck are you going to tell me that my god damned computer is not broken? HUH?! YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE! JUST SEND ME A GOD DAMNED BOX! NOW! GOD DAMMIT SEND ME THE STUPID FUCKING BOX! IT’S NOT THAT GOD DAMNED HARD! SEND ME A BOX! YOU INDIAN SON OF A BITCH! LEARN TO SPEAK FUCKING ENGLISH! Now, just send me a GOD DAMNED MOTHER FUCKING box…”

“I cannot send you a box.”

*Click*


Okay, who can tell me what this was? If you can’t then just stop reading this rant now and walk away. Now to get into the serious issue, our jobs are being shipped over seas to people being paid about 1/3rd of what we would be making. First this pisses me off for one reason. Our jobs are being shipped over seas. I’d much rather my mother work at technical support (god forbidden the technological deficient psycho try and learn to turn one on). But, no, the companies save money by having retarded Indians try and help you fix your computer. But, this is not the true point of this rant. The point is technical support almost always FUCKING SUCKS DICK!

Not all technical support sucks giant dick. Now, if you have a nice local company, I.e. Armstrong Cable, then the tech support is very bearable and even enjoyable. No two hours of hold times to talk to a fucking Indian bastard who can’t fucking speak English. You wait 5 minutes to talk to a guy who sits there and goes through all of this and knows how to fucking turn on a computer.

As soon as you get involved in large companies, Best Buy, Circuit City, CompuServe, AOhelL, etc. etc. etc. Then you run into these Indian bastards. Now, I understand that they’re just trying to make a living, but GOD DAMN! THOSE OF US IN AMERICA DO NOT WANT TO LISTEN TO A FUCKING BASTARD THAT CANNOT SPEAK THE LANGUAGE TELL THEM HOW TO FIX HIS COMPUTER. Then, they dare to CHARGE you for their services.

They’ll also do whatever the fuck they can to claim that you caused the shit to break. This is why if you’re not building your own computer, just don’t fucking open the case. Now they put this magical seal that breaks when the case opens. If that breaks, then you’re fucked out of the extended service you paid for. Now, they make a hell of a lot more money. First, they charge you an arm and a leg for an extended service plan. Then when in two years (a good 2 years before that 3 year extended service plan you were connived into extends), you want to upgrade your computer. First, you have to buy the part from their fucked up store that charges $150 for a hard drive or $150 for a DVD burner that’d cost you $75 somewhere else, if that. Now, they charge you a service fee for them to open the case and install the new hard ware. Any fucking retarded fuck who doesn’t know how to run a computer can figure out how to upgrade most shit in a computer. It’s not like there aren’t 50,000 manuals out there. Not to mention most of it’s color-coded because the pictures were just too complicated. But as soon as you open that case that seal breaks and your extended service plan is fucked. Now, a year down the road that fucking old piece of shit heat sink fails and your motherboard as well as processor is fucked due to over heating. You call the company, they tell you that you must have broken it while you upgraded your computer. So now you have to ship them the piece of shit and pay for them to fix it, and then they’ll put that seal back and probably put your old piece of shit hard ware in it rather than the upgrades you installed. Then, your plan isn’t reset, it just keeps going. Question: If there is a 3 year warranty on your parts, then when your computer breaks in two years shouldn’t that warranty reset when they put in mostly new hard-ware because that should last 3 years, at least, too. Now, you have to go to the store and have the fuckers re-upgrade your hardware that you installed yourself. With all of the money you blew on this you could have probably built a very high-end new machine. My recommendation: build your own computers and put the warranty on each piece of hardware.

Then, with these extended service plans, you have to deal with the technical support bullshit. But let me finish extended service plans… You ever notice that they don’t supply you with a replacement computer while yours is being fixed for at least 6 weeks when the repair honestly takes at most a couple hours. Then, YOU have to pay to ship it. The big computer companies screw you up the ass, wouldn’t you agree? They overcharge you for a pre-built piece of shit and then charge you an arm and a leg to warrant it. 1/50th of the time you own your computer (probably much more) you spend arguing with technical support and without a computer while they fuck you out of money.

Back to the true issue at hand, the fucking Indian technical support morons that you’re forced to deal with. You ever notice that they always ask you the most stupid questions possible? Is your computer plugged in? Have you restarted it? WHO THE FUCK IS THAT STUPID THAT THEY DON’T DO THIS FIRST?! Fuck, you tell them that you’ve attempted to start windows several times but you get nothing. You didn’t tell them that the machine won’t turn on. You don’t tell them that your monitor is not displaying a fucking picture. Yes, all of the goddamned cables are connected properly. Who the fuck is so stupid that they don’t check this shit first when your shit stops working? Then they tell you to try restarting your computer… Now, I don’t know if this is just me, but I usually spend 15 minutes restarting my computer to try and get it to just magically work again. When that fails, I give up for an hour, and try again. When that fails, I try and fix it myself, or with the help of my friends. Then, when all else fails, I don’t call technical support anymore. I just pull out that old windows xp cd and re-install the bitch. Why? Because I refuse to withstand hours upon hours of retarded Indian bastards and FUCKING STUPID HOLD MUSIC to fix my computer. I’ve sat on the phone for 3 hours listening to ads for the company I called and classical music. With these god damned preacher praise the lord bullshit songs and still not received service. Here’s a fucking idea. DESIGN A MACHINE THAT WORKS SO EVERY IDIOT IN THE WORLD ISN’T TRYING TO CALL YOU ALL THE TIME FOR HELP! Or how about this, hire the fucking millions of people in America that lost their jobs under our great fucking dickhead George Bush. Then we can at least not have to wait 5 hours to talk to a fucking Indian bastard that can’t help us and pay for their services.

Last, but not least, stop telling me you’re sorry. You’re not, you fucking lying bastards. You’re trying to hire as few people as possible to save yourself some millions of dollars each year instead of supplying me with service. How about this, just tell me that you don’t’ give a fuck about me with a nice fuck you.