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Happy Holidays Damnit!
By: Cartoon Goddess

Upon waking this morning, I brought up Yahoo to do a quick check of the news before hitting the shower. I of course was greeted by a lovely story about the radical Christian right:

Oh what a treat - dessert before breakfast. This game has gone on for far too long and people just need to learn to be groovy about all this. First off I'd like to say to all these Radical Christians that the United States of America is about freedom of religion not freedom of your religion. Yes I KNOW you've heard that before but you don't seem to get it so I repeat myself.

Now I assume you'll tell me that we're a Christian nation because all of our founding fathers were Christian. Is Benjamin Franklin not one of our founding fathers? I shall quote him on the subject of Jesus in a letter he wrote to Ezra Stiles on March 9th, 1790:

"As to Jesus of Nazareth, my opinion of whom you particularly desire, I think his system of morals and his religion, as he left them to us, the best the world ever saw or is likely to see; but I apprehend it has received various corrupting changes, and I have, with most of the present dissenters in England, some doubts as to his divinity; though it is a question I do not dogmatize upon, having never studied it, and think it needless to busy myself with it now, when I expect soon an opportunity of knowing the truth with less trouble. I see no harm, however, in its being believed, if that belief has the good consequences, as probably it has, of making his doctrines more respected and more observed; especially as I do not perceive that the Supreme takes it amiss, by distinguishing the unbelievers in his government of the world with any peculiar marks of his displeasure."

If this is Christianity, it is of a much different sort than the type you are practicing now. Why it even respects the beliefs of others, which you seem to not get a grasp on no matter how many times we sit down and speak of it. Fact is not many people of his time considered him a Christian, and if you read his Autobiography he refers to the fact that some others considered him an apostate or atheist, and he called himself a "Deist". You may assume that all historical figures of this nation are Christians, and that all the people you meet on the street are so also. That doesn't make it true. Yes I know you're very happy with your Jesus fellow and want everyone in the world to experience the same joy as you this holiday season, but we may have our own thoughts on that, despite what you think about it.

No one is taking Christmas away from you. You seem to always think when anyone takes something Christian out of a public place, that we're taking your religion away from you. We are not! You can still have it as part of your home, your family, and your life just as the rest of us do with our religions. You are not demanding the right to practice your religion, you are demanding the right to have it publicly displayed so as to justify your belief in it. If you are truly happy with your religion, then you can be happy to practice it as a personal belief and not a national one.

Now this latest crap your pulling - "Christmas Under Siege" I've heard it called, is just utter nonsense. There is nothing wrong with using a more all-encompassing phrase like "Happy Holidays" or "Season's Greetings" to people on the street. I think it's much more open-minded to do so when you don't know a person's religious persuasion. It's a form of something called courtesy, which small-minded self-centered assholes like you don't seem to extend to others, yet respond with deepest umbrage should it not be extended to you.

Now are you allowed to put up a sign on your lawn saying you believe in God, "Merry Christmas"? Of course. A Jewish neighbor can also put up a sign saying "*I* believe in God - Happy Chanukah". I can put up a sign saying "I believe in god, and the goddess, and the divinity of every living creature, blessed be and happy solstice." Then I can paint a big pentagram sun on it and be legally free to display it. I bet you'll have a problem with it though. In fact, I'm willing to bet if I did that, the sign wouldn't be there in the morning, at least not intact. Why? Because you aren't willing to extend the same understanding to others that you expect from others. I'm sure even a Buddha and/or the characters for "om mani padme hum" out on my lawn would get suspicious looks, and likely some nutcase trying to say it's satanic writing.

While you go out there and insist on saying "Merry Christmas" to me, I'll happily reply to you "Happy Solstice". I'm sure none of you will bother to ask me what I mean or why, you'll just immediately assume I'm some sort of freak and find someone to talk to who fits into your comfortable little expectations. While you try to pressure stores into putting up "Merry Christmas" signs or you won't shop there, I will take my business to the ones who have the product I want at the price I want with the service I want, knowing that the religion of the owners and employees of the establishment are none of my business and should have no bearing on whether I shop there or not. However, I will perhaps feel just a small tingle of joy whenever I make a purchase at a store with "Season's Greetings" or "Happy Holidays" on the banner instead of any specific holiday, knowing that I helped support a company that would not be bullied by pompous, self-righteous, idiots.

Jesus is not the reason for the season by the way. The reason for the season is the circling of the Earth around the Sun causing the shortest day of the year. Christians just chose to have their holiday this time of year because the Sun worshippers already had all the party plans set up. In fact according to a theory based on astronomical records of the heavens, the star in the sky would have appeared on September 15th. You may scoff at that, but that small theory is more substantial for having Christmas after labor day than the complete lack of any proper reason to have Christmas right after the solstice.

So let's all get together for a big Holiday party in the park, and I'll pass out some nice warm eggnog and hot mulled cider to us all, along with a plate of homemade cookies I've been baking. You can kill a tree which I hold sacred to decorate up in a horribly gaudy fashion, and give out ridiculously overpriced utter crap as presents (probably manufactured in sweatshops) and pretend to like it when you receive the same in return. Sing your happy little carols about Jesus, the Little Drummer Boy, Wise Men, Shepherds, and Angels. Then I'll get up, make some donations to charities and give out less expensive but thoughtful appropriate presents, thank the divine for free speech, and sing a "Christmas Carol" of my own about the "Mother of God" that I learned from South Park:

(Howdy Ho.) The Virgin Mary was sleepin'
When Angel Gabriel appeared
He said, "You are to be the virgin mother."
And Mary thought that was weird.
Mary said, "I'm not a virgin.
I blew a guy last year. "
But then Gabriel said to Mary,
"My child, have no fear."

'Cause, you can suck all the dick you want
And still be a virgin, Mary.
You can suck all the dick you want
And still not be considered flawed.
Although you went to town and sucked some semen down,
You're still a virgin in the eyes of God.

There was no room at the inn
When Mary and Joseph did arrive.
But they were so very tired, you see,
And Mary had to offer a bribe.
Since she had no money,
How would she pay for a place to sleep?
Gabriel appeared to Mary
And told her not to weep.

'Cause you can suck all the dick you want
And still be a virgin, Mary.
You can suck all the dick you want
And still be the mother of Christ.
If there's no room at the inn, then it's not considered a sin
To suck some dick to get a room for the night!

Then, three wise men did appear
Bearing gifts of myrrh and such
They said that they had followed a star
And missed a woman's touch
Mary thought she might pleasure them
But could not take them to bed.
But again, Gabriel appeared to her
And this is what he said:

"You can suck all the dick you want
And still be a virgin, Mary.
You can suck all the dick you want
Every one in the nation.
Fellatio ain't no sin. Go on and blow those Three Wise Men
And you'll still be a virgin 'cause there was no penetration!

You can suck all the dick you want
And still be a virgin, Mary.
The donkey and the ox and the lambs
And even the little drummer boy
Folks will remember your name quick. They'll say
"Damn, that bitch could suck a dick!"
'Cause sucking dick brings peace on Earth and joy.

'Cause sucking dick brings peace on Earth and joy.
Mary, suck my dick.