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Lord Galen
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Vega Mania



Dear Galen


I have a problem and I do not know what to do about it. I like to have sex with vegetables and other fruit. I know many people use food in sex, but me I can not go through the produce section without getting a hard on. This poses a major problem for me as I am a farmer my self.

I have even hurt my self doing this b/c I tried to make it with a pineapple, hurt like hell. What do I do?

-Vega mania



Dear Veg

Hmmm... Quite an interesting problem you pose. I suppose this could be some form of floraphilia (the sexual attraction to plants). Quite interesting indeed...

My advice to you is to limit this sick shit to fruits and vegetables that you DON'T sell. Being a farmer, I'm sure you have access to lots of your "partners" but, please, if you fuck something, don't sell it! The last thing I want to be worried about when I eat tomato soup is whether or not you jizzed in the tomatoes that went into making it (ugh). I suggest that you keep a private stock. I mean, surely some of the products you grow aren't fit to be shipped out to the public, yet are still fit to be plowed (pun intended). Go with that stuff for your gratification.

Now, the thing with the pineapple worries me. That's just plain stupid. I mean, c'mon, if you were into beastiality, you wouldn't try to do a porcupine! If you were a necrophile, you wouldn't nail the chick who died from AIDS! And if you were into ordinary heterosexuality, you wouldn't be porking that hideiously ugly gap-toothed woman from the lumpsum.com commercial (you know the one... starts off with a kinda cute woman with a muddled british accent talking about getting your annuity payments in one lump sum, but then it cuts to the customer testimonials and the second one shown is a black couple and the woman looks normal until she turns her head and smiles and then all of a sudden it looks like Medussa has sprung forth)! There's just some things that should be common sense, no matter what your sexual orientation is!

Personally, I'd suggest drilling a hole in a watermelon or a cantelope. Seems to me that you'd be able to get a few dozen holes out of a good sized watermelon before you had to throw it out. It's not like you're gonna eat the things (I hope not anyway) so feel free to lube up the rind too.

As far as pornography goes, you're in luck there too. Just go out and buy all of the Veggie Tales™ movies. They're for kids and they're all about Jesus, but if you just mute the volume I'm sure you can imagine that the vegetables are talking dirty to you. Have fun with that!

Oh, and I should probably advise you to make sure you shower right after fucking fruits or vegetables. I mean, surely you wouldn't want ants discovering your dick, now would you?

I hope you find this advice useful. It's not like you're hurting anybody, so I say have fun with it and don't be ashamed of what you are. Hell, take your watermelon out on a date, introduce her to your parents, etc. Just don't sell that produce (and I'm fucking serious here)!

Have fun, you fucking freak!


Hate,
Galen