Patriotism is your conviction that this country is superior to all other countries because you were born in it.
-George Bernard Shaw
Lord Galen
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Dear Galen

I feel like I don't have anything left to live for anymore. My long-time girlfriend left me and I was so depressed over it that I didn't go to work for like 2 wks. Now I lost my job too. I'm broke with no money, no job, no girl nothin.

I just feel like my life is over already so I might as well make it real, you know? Any tips on what's the most painless way to do it?

-Dead Man Walking

Dear Dead Pussy

Oh boo hoo, my girlfriend left me and I'm such a co-dependant twat that I lost my job too... Woe is me, life is over because I'm a giant cry-baby asshole....

I think I know why your girl left. Women might all say that they want "a sensitive man" and maybe a lot of them do, but by "sensitive" they don't mean PUSSIFIED, you dickhole! Here's what probably happened to you (this is the standard course of many failed relationships):

STEP 1: The two of you met and fell in love.

STEP 2: She realizes how easy it is to pussy-whip you and starts changing the things she doesn't like about you. You go along with this because you're a spineless collastomy bag.

STEP 3: After changing you completely, she pops up with "I don't love you anymore... you're just not the same man I fell in love with."

STEP 4: You write some dude on the Internet for advice because you don't have any real friends to turn to. At some point you might realize that you used to have real friends until your bitch turned you into the kind of prick that other guys only feel pity for.

As for the suicide bullshit, hey that's your call. I'm tellin' you now though, you'll just be making an even bigger dick out of yourself if you do it. Haven't you ever heard the saying "Suicide is the coward's way out?" Well, that's true, but it's also true that suicide is the idiot's way out too!

So go ahead and do it, pussy! You failed at everything else, you might as well go ahead and fail at LIFE too, asshat!

As for tips on how to do it painlessly. Go to the store and buy five bottles of sleeping pills. Crush them all up and put them in a small glass. Fill it the rest of the way with your favorite carbinated beverage (Coke, Pepsi, whatever). Stir until the pill-powder is dissolved. Now drink up, ya fuckin' loser! Pretty soon, you'll get tired and you'll fall asleep never to wake up again. Nice and painless just like you want it, because God-forbid life should actually have any pain in it and, oh, please, let's now have any trials and tribulations.

Suicide... Fuck you, you pussy! Survival of the fittest, my man! Only the strong survive and if you're not strong enough to even deal with the normal shit in life (like losing a job and a girlfriend) then you might as well clear the way for someone who can.

See you in the Obituaries!

Eternal Hate,

P.S. - To all readers: Don't send me your stupid whiny e-mails or post on the forum about how upset you are by this because your [ dad / mom / brother / sister / cousin / aunt / uncle / best friend / fuck buddy / friend of a friend / whatever ] committed suicide. Save it, ok?! Everybody knows someone who's killed themselves (including me). It doesn't make you special and it doesn't make your [ whatever ] any less of a dumbass fucking pussy for doing it. Keep your goddamn hypersensitive tantrum to yourself. I don't fucking care!