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Lord Galen
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Dear Galen

I understand you contain a vast reservoir of knowledge pertaining to human sexuality and the various things that can go wrong with a bad coupling. Heres my dilemma......

I went downtown to the Snatch Attack Club on Polk and Box.....its a reputable establishment with the finest display of nude exhibitionism and discreet backroom action anywhere. They're even registered with the Better Business Bureau as a Preferred Member so I had no reservations about requisitioning a secure booth with 3 different women who assured me that they checked out and were in fact, venereal disease-free. Three days later....I noticed that my manhood was swelling up with the color and appearance of an eggplant along with splotchy Hershey Kiss shaped growths landscaping my testicles. I went to 5 different urologists who all said the same thing....." I dunno WHAT the fuck you got!" Upon active self-motivation, I conducted further research and discovered that I was singularly unique in my predicament, so a cure for this seemingly food-borne disease that is actually an STD is non-existent. Can you help me?


Dear Eggie

Sounds like you have the very rare disease known as solanum malongena. Apparently, one of the women with whom you copulated is a floraphile [floraphilia - (member of the paraphilia family of psychiatric disorders) - Sexual attraction to or arousal by plants]. As a floraphile, she's no doubt had sex with any number of fruits or vegatables and could've contracted God-only-knows WHAT kinds of bacteria that way.

I suggest you contact a botonist immediately!