I’ve always written something to start off the new year. One of the reasons I like the blog format is because now I don’t fucking have to. I could just leave this alone, but fuck it, I might as well write something to welcome in 2017.
Many are glad that 2016 has finally ended, what with all the terrible shit that’s happened this past year. Celebrity deaths all over the goddamn place, from Prince to Princess Leia. The election was a shit show the likes of which politics has never seen before and then it ended in the worst possible outcome. I’m not being facetious when I say that. Literally any other person who was running for President would have been better. Oh, Clinton’s a liar and a crook? Welcome to politics, you ignorant fuck. Oh, Romney’s a religious fucktard? Welcome to Republican politics, dumbass! This shit is par for the course.
Ah, but let me not get off on that tangent too badly. I’ll have four more years to opine the dawning of our Idiocracy (and possibly the twilight of our civilization). Traditionally, one is supposed to talk about New Year’s Resolutions and things they’re looking forward to in the coming year. Well, you know me, I fucking LOVE!
Sadly, I don’t have any Resolutions to share. I never do, because I’m fucking fine with who I am, you weak ass little pussies. OH, no, wait a minute, I DO have one! More sex. I’m not getting enough. So yeah, there’s my Resolution: Have more sex.
Now on to the things I’m looking forward to….
Ok, well, my 16th wedding anniversary is coming up soon, so that’s cool. Valentine’s Day is always a busy time at my job, so that’s a lot of fun. Hopefully the world won’t end before September, so I’ll get to see my kid turn 7, that’ll be awesome. Oh fuck, and I just realized what age I’LL be turning right before he turns 7… shit. No, it’s not fucking FORTY yet, you motherfuckers. It’s 39…. shut up HEY, I just thought of a good thing about Trump being President! There’s a good chance I’ll die before I hit 40! FUCK YEAH, ‘MURICA! TRUUUUMMMP!
Oh god, I just threw up in my mouth a little after doing that. Moving on….
Or, well, no, nevermind. Nothing else I can think of, really.
I’m sorry guys, but there’s no positivity to be found here. If you’re happy to see 2016 die, just wait. 2017 promises to be even worse. You’ll be begging for 2016 to come back and gently penetrate you with no lube.
*sigh*…. I can’t just leave it like that. I guess there’s is a hopeful message I can deliver on this New Year’s Day and here it is: IF we make it, WE win. The reason the anti-intellectuals and fucking retards of the planet are making a comeback is because common sense and reason has actually been gaining ground! It’s happened slowly, but it’s happened. Republicans had pretty much given up on gay marriage and on fighting gay rights as a whole. They were reduced to small quibbles over fucking gay wedding cakes and trangender bathrooms. We, the good intelligent people of the country, had them beaten back into a corner. This? This shit right here? This is their last dying effort to fight back. If we can emerge victorious, we will have fucking WON. The fight is on, motherfuckers; welcome to twenty-goddamn-seventeen!