Taxation is Theft! Except That It’s NOT.

This is a phrase that I see on Facebook and floating around all the other meme-regurgitator sites. The phrase that every Libertarian tattoos on their colon so they’ve got something to read while their head is up their ass.



Yeah…. no it’s not. Hold on to your tinfoil hats, retards, here we go!

First, let’s define what we’re talking about here. When we say “theft” what does that mean? It’s a legal term, right? Because theft is a crime, right? Taking something that doesn’t belong to you is illegal.

“MY MONEY DOESN’T BELONG TO THE GUB’MENT, GALEN! UNDER JURISPRUDENCE COLOR OF LAW IN ABSENTIA BLAH BLAH BLAH MORE LEGAL TERMS I DON’T ACTUALLY UNDERSTAND BUT WILL CONTINUE TO SHOUT AS IF THEY MEAN SOMETHING BLAH BLAH BLAH ARTICLES OF CONFEDERATION AND SECTION 553-C OF THE MAGNA CARTA BLAH BLAH BLAH….”

Calm the fuck down, you dumb hick. I’m getting there! Maybe if you ever would stop for two seconds to listen to somebody else, you wouldn’t be such a very wrong fucking retard right now.

So, we’ve established that theft is, by its very definition, an illegal act. Therefore, someone taking your money for a legal reason could not possibly be theft. For example, if you come to buy a 12-inch dildo from me and I take your money and then give you the dildo, I did not commit theft even though I took your money. But maybe you’d say that’s “giving” the money away freely. Ok, so if you try to steal a dildo from me and catch you and make you pay for it, is that theft? No. See, if there’s a legal reason for which I am forcing you to give me money, it’s not theft.

We must now ask ourselves if there is a legal reason for taxation. Of course there are tax laws, but let’s not stop there. Surely the Constitution has something to say about this heinous act! I mean, our forefathers did fight tyranny and oppression simply to forget to explicitly outlaw something so horrible! So since I’m sure that taxes are unconstitutional, that’ll be easy to prove and will make them illegal! This is certainly what Libertarians are talking about, right? I mean, obviously the Constution would never…….

The Congress shall have Power To lay and collect Taxes, Duties, Imposts and Excises, to pay the Debts and provide for the common Defence and general Welfare of the United States

Uh….

…shall have Power To lay and collect Taxes…

Oh. Oops!

Here’s the problem, Libertardians. Your slogan is a straight-up paradox. You can’t say that something which is legal is therefore an illegal act!



Pointing out this inconvenient fact (that their little tax motto is nonsensical horseshit) to Libertarians typically gets the same result. The more respectful and intelligent ones will say that you’ve made a fine legal argument, but that their problem is that, whether or not its legal, taxation is immoral. Ok, fine, but that’s not what you said! My fine legal argument is all that matters because whether something is “theft” is a LEGAL ISSUE! Your stupid memes and shit don’t say “TAXATION IS IMMORAL” or “TAXATION IS WRONG” or even just “TAXATION SUCKS.” They all very clearly and unambiguously say that taxation (a legal act) is theft (an illegal act).

That is wrong and retarded, just like the people who spew it out of the gaping shithole in their face. The fact is that “taxation is theft” is easily disproved by citing Article I, Section 8, Clause 1 of the United States Constitution (just as I did above). Once that’s done your legal argument is shown up as the absurd fucking looney toon idea that it is and you have to fall back on “Uh, well, no, it’s about morality! It’s immoral to tax me without my consent!” Maybe it is, maybe it isn’t, but why don’t you try actually having THAT fucking argument instead?!

Y’know why you don’t? Because just saying that taxation is immoral/wrong makes you sound like a whiny little bitch who doesn’t want to pay his fair share into the system. Instead, you conflate the issue. You use hyperbole to make a point and while I’m certainly the world’s biggest fan of that tactic, here it’s just making you a dishonest douchebag.

Taxation isn’t theft. It can’t be. It’s not even possible. And since you Libertarians pride yourselves on how well you know the Constitution, I don’t believe for one second that this is an honest mistake. You’re lying and you shifty little fucks know exactly what you’re doing! Get bent and stay the fuck off my social media, assholes!

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Update – 4/1/2016: I’ve been informed by a Libertarian that the rebuttal to this is the fact that the Libertarian party doesn’t believe in the legitimacy of the Constitution anyway. They’re down with the Articles of Confederation or some shit like that. So, basically, the response to all my awesomeness is “No, no, you’re wrong, because we’re fucking stupid.” Thanks guys, I’ll try to remember that.


2 Responses to Taxation is Theft! Except That It’s NOT.

  1. The main issue with tax is not its legality, but how much to tax, and what to use it for.

    Frankly, I’m more of a mindset that the federal government taxes too much and does too little with the money it gets. For example, it can be argued that we spend way too much on the military and not enough on things like roads and infrastructure, and we’re pretty shitty on that latter bit right now.

  2. Even as a Libertarian myself, I recognise the Constitution’s legitimacy.

    My problem with taxation is not that it happens, but that the way it’s done and how much is taxed is wasteful and inefficient. I’d rather simplify the tax code and reduce taxes instead of keeping the current we have now in the US. Why not just have a low flat tax and cut out the exemptions, exceptions, and returns, letting people keep more of their hard-earned money easily? Wouldn’t that spur economic growth, because people can now spend more on EVERYTHING?

    And, with economic growth comes more tax revenue, so the government would eventually benefit as well.

    “But what about social services, Rob? Won’t those get a massive cut under this idea? Do you hate the poor and disabled?”

    No, and here’s why: A lot of tax money just ends up in the hands of the rich and politicians anyway. Social services, and hell lots of non-military programmes, don’t see a dime of that money. If anything, this would either mean that they can continue being greedy before there’s no more money left, or let go of some of those illegally-obtained greenbacks to keep it rolling in. Social services wouldn’t be touched, because the poor and disabled vote in very high numbers. And, if you want to stay in office, you gotta make those folks want to vote for you. It’s the same basic idea with infrastructure.

    So, ultimately, my issue is with greed and corruption in the higher echelons of government, and how taxes are abused in that regard.