I have never – and I mean never agreed with Bill Maher more on anything than I do on this right here. Every last word is like he pulled it straight out of my head. Fuck YES.
The following Rant is based on this news story:
Planned Parenthood Volunteers Blocked From Delivering 87,000 Petitions to Paul Ryan
So, if you just read that article from Teen Vogue, you may need a minute before you can actually read my rant. If you have any functioning brain cells, you’re probably so angry right now that it’s hard to see clearly. That’s fine, come back when you’re ready…..
Alright, good, let’s get started.
PAUL RYAN, YOU SHIT-EATING LITTLE, WHO IN THE HOLY JESUS-TITS FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?!
You spineless, dickless, pathetic little snot-rag chewer, HOW FUCKING DARE YOU refuse petitions! HOW DARE YOU!
YOU WORK FOR THE PEOPLE, YOU ARROGANT FUCKING HERPES WART, NOT THE OTHER GODDAMN WAY AROUND!!!!
You seem to have forgotten, you little shit, that listening to the will of the people and carrying out those wishes is the exact definition of your fucking JOB, asshole!
This is what the fuck happens when you silly little cum stains start getting the notion into your heads that being a member of Congress means that you’re in a “Be Your Own Boss” type of situation. No, motherfucker, you’re NOT your own goddamn boss. Y’know who IS your boss? All those Planned Parenthood volunteers that you sent armed guards out to keep away from you. THOSE are your bosses and it’s a shame that all they can deliver is a bunch of petitions. What you NEED delivered is a fucking slap to the back of the head and told to “Get back to work, you lazy fuck, stop riding the clock.”
No, I’m not fucking bitching that you want to defund PP. I could, because that’s a dickbag move, but no, that’s not my problem here. YOUR GODDAMN MOTHERFUCKING JOB is to listen to The People!
DO YOUR JOB, DICKHEAD!
I’ve always written something to start off the new year. One of the reasons I like the blog format is because now I don’t fucking have to. I could just leave this alone, but fuck it, I might as well write something to welcome in 2017.
Many are glad that 2016 has finally ended, what with all the terrible shit that’s happened this past year. Celebrity deaths all over the goddamn place, from Prince to Princess Leia. The election was a shit show the likes of which politics has never seen before and then it ended in the worst possible outcome. I’m not being facetious when I say that. Literally any other person who was running for President would have been better. Oh, Clinton’s a liar and a crook? Welcome to politics, you ignorant fuck. Oh, Romney’s a religious fucktard? Welcome to Republican politics, dumbass! This shit is par for the course.
Ah, but let me not get off on that tangent too badly. I’ll have four more years to opine the dawning of our Idiocracy (and possibly the twilight of our civilization). Traditionally, one is supposed to talk about New Year’s Resolutions and things they’re looking forward to in the coming year. Well, you know me, I fucking LOVE!
Sadly, I don’t have any Resolutions to share. I never do, because I’m fucking fine with who I am, you weak ass little pussies. OH, no, wait a minute, I DO have one! More sex. I’m not getting enough. So yeah, there’s my Resolution: Have more sex.
Now on to the things I’m looking forward to….
Ok, well, my 16th wedding anniversary is coming up soon, so that’s cool. Valentine’s Day is always a busy time at my job, so that’s a lot of fun. Hopefully the world won’t end before September, so I’ll get to see my kid turn 7, that’ll be awesome. Oh fuck, and I just realized what age I’LL be turning right before he turns 7… shit. No, it’s not fucking FORTY yet, you motherfuckers. It’s 39…. shut up HEY, I just thought of a good thing about Trump being President! There’s a good chance I’ll die before I hit 40! FUCK YEAH, ‘MURICA! TRUUUUMMMP!
Oh god, I just threw up in my mouth a little after doing that. Moving on….
Or, well, no, nevermind. Nothing else I can think of, really.
I’m sorry guys, but there’s no positivity to be found here. If you’re happy to see 2016 die, just wait. 2017 promises to be even worse. You’ll be begging for 2016 to come back and gently penetrate you with no lube.
*sigh*…. I can’t just leave it like that. I guess there’s is a hopeful message I can deliver on this New Year’s Day and here it is: IF we make it, WE win. The reason the anti-intellectuals and fucking retards of the planet are making a comeback is because common sense and reason has actually been gaining ground! It’s happened slowly, but it’s happened. Republicans had pretty much given up on gay marriage and on fighting gay rights as a whole. They were reduced to small quibbles over fucking gay wedding cakes and trangender bathrooms. We, the good intelligent people of the country, had them beaten back into a corner. This? This shit right here? This is their last dying effort to fight back. If we can emerge victorious, we will have fucking WON. The fight is on, motherfuckers; welcome to twenty-goddamn-seventeen!
“OMG Galen, why haven’t you, of all people, had something to say about the election???”
Three words for ya, folks: Stunned. Fucking. Silence.
And I just kept sitting here thinking “Nah, I don’t feel like writing a blog post, and besides, there’s still a chance.” I mean, the Electoral College could’ve done their fucking jobs. There were other possibilities (glimmers of hope) circulating among the liberal media. So, I held my breath and waited. Hoping beyond all hope.
But somewhere deep inside, I knew. I knew that the people of this country would disappoint me, again, as they have so many times before. But it’s not even the people, really. At the time of this writing, Clinton won the popular vote by 2.8 million votes! One vote, one voice, am I fucking right, my Libertarian friends?!
I feel so many things right now. Anger, yes. Bitterness, hopelessness, disappointment, all of that. Confusion, most of all. I mean, he just makes no sense at all, for anyone?! If you’re a woman, why would you vote for that fucking sexist scumbag who’s been accused of rape (and even of raping a *child*)? If you’re a member of the working class, why would you vote for a fucking old rich guy? If you’re a right-wing evangelical Christian, why in the ever-loving goddamn fuck would you vote for the least Christian candidate up there?! For fuck’s sake, Richard Dawkins is more of a Christian than Trump!
So, yeah, the confusion is the biggest thing for me. I honestly just cannot see how anyone would vote for Trump. At least, not logically, but then elections aren’t won by reason; this one least of all. Trump one because people are fucking pissed and they wanted to shove that giant Cheeto right up the establishment’s ass. Everybody knew that the Republican and Democratic leadership hates Trump, so they wanted to send him to the White House as a big ‘ol “Fuck you!”
Now look what you’ve done, you spiteful cunts! Fuck them? Fuck US – ALL OF US!
Over the next four years, we can all look foward to seeing every bit of progress that’s been made in the 21st century get shoved into a windowless van, driven out to the desert and shot.
Fear. Did I mention that one? Because I AM afraid. Not for me. I’m a lower middle-class white male, I’ll fucking survive. It won’t be pleasant (even for me), but I’ll make it. But if you’re a woman, a Muslim, an immigrant, etc. then prepare for the dicking. A tiny orange dick that’s not simply going in your asshole, but in the all new asshole that Orange Hitler rips you.
OH BOY, let me not forget to qualify the Hitler reference. See, for the whole goddamn Bush era, the majority of my rants were comparing Bush to Hitler. Hell, the majority of every online “ranter” called him Hitler. But that was obviously hyperbole, and if it wasn’t obvious to you, let me spell it out: George W. Bush was not Hitler. Yes, he did a few mildly fascist things (mild when compared to a real fascist dictator), but he was not Hitler and when I (and many others) called him that, we were just being dicks to a guy we hated.
All that being said, let me not mince words here when I say that Donald Trump’s rhetoric and actions do actually bear a striking and terrifying resemblance to that of Adolf Hitler. I’m NOT using hyperbole when I say that we are under a genuine threat as long as that monster retains any level of power. He is a fucking horror show waiting to happen and the American Democratic Republic is in actual real genuine no-bullshit fucking danger now!
Winter is here.
With all the bullshit going on right now with the police and various protests (including and especially Black Lives Matter), I hear and read a lot of defenses and accusations coming from all sides. There’s one, however, that I’ve yet to see anybody disagree with. Everyone seems to universally agree that all those dickhead cops out there shooting unarmed black men are just the rotten apples. I’m sure you’ve all heard some variation of “Most cops are good people who risk their lives every day to serve and protect the community.”
In the grand scheme of things and when you tally up all the good and evil in a cop’s life, that may very well be true, so I can’t entirely disagree with that statement. Yes, cops do indeed risk their lives. Their job is important and they do protect the vast majority of us, every single day. Credit where it’s due.
But, human beings (including cops) are more than the sum total of their parts. If I put one little drop of shit into a huge pot of the best chili on Earth, the chili is fucking ruined. It doesn’t matter that 99.9% of the contents are good, that 0.1% is all it takes to ensure that nobody is going to want to eat that fucking nasty-ass concoction anymore.
Cops are like that hypothetical pot of chili. The vast majority of the average cop is made up of goodness, decency, duty, honor, etc. But there is one massive turd in the pot that ruins everybody. The media likes to call it “The Blue Wall.”
Let’s imagine two cops. Officer Rob and Officer Dylan. Of the two, Officer Rob is a racist cock-spittoon who profiles suspects and generally takes every opportunity to be a dick to black people who “look suspicious” to him. Officer Dylan is not like this at all. In fact, most of their Department isn’t like this at all. Most of them, including Officer Dylan, are great cops who serve their community well. But, does Officer Dylan ever report his partner, Rob, for the shitbag things he does? No. Does anyone else in the Department, knowing how Rob acts, report him for it? No. And if anyone did report him, would anything happen to Officer Rob? Not really.
The Blue Wall, to a cop, is about loyalty and brotherhood. No one can understand what it’s like for a cop except another cop. There’s a bond there; a closeness that the rest of us just can’t understand. And so, they stick by each other, no matter what. And those few who don’t? They don’t stay cops for long. They’re ostricized and run out of their careers.
See, the problem is systemic. Cops aren’t all bad, but the ones who are good still engage in the act of looking the other way and saying fucking nothing because they have no other choice. Well, that’s not true. Their other choice is to end their careers and leave their family without a much-needed source of income.
“The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.”
— Edmund Burke
And when those good men intentionally and with full knowledge of the consequences sit there and fucking do nothing, I ask, can they still be called “good” men?
Internal Affairs is seen as the enemy. Cops “ratting” on other cops are seen as traitors. The system is broken. Cops need to be reminded that your duty is to the people you serve FIRST and to your brothers in blue SECOND. If your brothers fucking betray their charge by mistreating the citizens you are sworn to protect, then you have FAILED in your duty.
There’s too much “us vs. them” in the minds of both cops and black people, but the cops started it and they have to acknowledge that and put a stop to it. The violent misbehavior of cops that we’re seeing all over the news these days, that’s not a new thing. In fact, it’s way better than it ever has been before! What’s new are the cameras and the social media that’s no longer allowing racist fucking dickheads to get away with their shitty behavior.
The good news is that there’s HOPE! Cops *can* change. The majority of them, absent the systemic bullshit, WANT to do the right thing! When the Blue Culture changes so that it’s truly more about serving the people than each other, that’s when the change will come. Good luck waiting for that to fucking happen, though!
Today is May 29th. It’s a special day for me as I reflect back on the past year of my life. You see, one year ago today was the effective date of my resignation from the school I had worked at for more than 7 years. It was neccesary for me to leave, but it was painful. Like getting your teeth pulled: You know you need to do it, but it sucks anyway.
For days, my emotions had been raw. Thinking about all those kids I taught who I would now never get to see grow older and leave elementary school. Birthdays and Christmases that I would miss. I was leaving this place that I’d worked so hard for and all those children I’d loved so much.
It’s one year later and I’m taking stock of how I feel about that decision now. Instead of influencing young minds and spending my days imparting knowledge unto the next generation, I spend my work days ringing up customers and making sure their vibrators work. For nearly a year now, I’ve worked in an “Adult Store” selling sex toys, lube, porn, male enhancement pills,
bongs“water pipes,” and various other fun things. Ask anyone and they’ll tell you that I am now holding down an inferior job to the one I left. First of all, it’s fucking retail, ugh. Second, “dude, you sell fucking dildos for a living, what the fuck….”
So, after a year, let’s ask: Do you miss it, Galen?
This is a phrase that I see on Facebook and floating around all the other meme-regurgitator sites. The phrase that every Libertarian tattoos on their colon so they’ve got something to read while their head is up their ass.
Yeah…. no it’s not. Hold on to your tinfoil hats, retards, here we go!
First, let’s define what we’re talking about here. When we say “theft” what does that mean? It’s a legal term, right? Because theft is a crime, right? Taking something that doesn’t belong to you is illegal.
“MY MONEY DOESN’T BELONG TO THE GUB’MENT, GALEN! UNDER JURISPRUDENCE COLOR OF LAW IN ABSENTIA BLAH BLAH BLAH MORE LEGAL TERMS I DON’T ACTUALLY UNDERSTAND BUT WILL CONTINUE TO SHOUT AS IF THEY MEAN SOMETHING BLAH BLAH BLAH ARTICLES OF CONFEDERATION AND SECTION 553-C OF THE MAGNA CARTA BLAH BLAH BLAH….”
Calm the fuck down, you dumb hick. I’m getting there! Maybe if you ever would stop for two seconds to listen to somebody else, you wouldn’t be such a very wrong fucking retard right now.
So, we’ve established that theft is, by its very definition, an illegal act. Therefore, someone taking your money for a legal reason could not possibly be theft. For example, if you come to buy a 12-inch dildo from me and I take your money and then give you the dildo, I did not commit theft even though I took your money. But maybe you’d say that’s “giving” the money away freely. Ok, so if you try to steal a dildo from me and catch you and make you pay for it, is that theft? No. See, if there’s a legal reason for which I am forcing you to give me money, it’s not theft.
We must now ask ourselves if there is a legal reason for taxation. Of course there are tax laws, but let’s not stop there. Surely the Constitution has something to say about this heinous act! I mean, our forefathers did fight tyranny and oppression simply to forget to explicitly outlaw something so horrible! So since I’m sure that taxes are unconstitutional, that’ll be easy to prove and will make them illegal! This is certainly what Libertarians are talking about, right? I mean, obviously the Constution would never…….
The Congress shall have Power To lay and collect Taxes, Duties, Imposts and Excises, to pay the Debts and provide for the common Defence and general Welfare of the United States
…shall have Power To lay and collect Taxes…
Here’s the problem, Libertardians. Your slogan is a straight-up paradox. You can’t say that something which is legal is therefore an illegal act!
Pointing out this inconvenient fact (that their little tax motto is nonsensical horseshit) to Libertarians typically gets the same result. The more respectful and intelligent ones will say that you’ve made a fine legal argument, but that their problem is that, whether or not its legal, taxation is immoral. Ok, fine, but that’s not what you said! My fine legal argument is all that matters because whether something is “theft” is a LEGAL ISSUE! Your stupid memes and shit don’t say “TAXATION IS IMMORAL” or “TAXATION IS WRONG” or even just “TAXATION SUCKS.” They all very clearly and unambiguously say that taxation (a legal act) is theft (an illegal act).
That is wrong and retarded, just like the people who spew it out of the gaping shithole in their face. The fact is that “taxation is theft” is easily disproved by citing Article I, Section 8, Clause 1 of the United States Constitution (just as I did above). Once that’s done your legal argument is shown up as the absurd fucking looney toon idea that it is and you have to fall back on “Uh, well, no, it’s about morality! It’s immoral to tax me without my consent!” Maybe it is, maybe it isn’t, but why don’t you try actually having THAT fucking argument instead?!
Y’know why you don’t? Because just saying that taxation is immoral/wrong makes you sound like a whiny little bitch who doesn’t want to pay his fair share into the system. Instead, you conflate the issue. You use hyperbole to make a point and while I’m certainly the world’s biggest fan of that tactic, here it’s just making you a dishonest douchebag.
Taxation isn’t theft. It can’t be. It’s not even possible. And since you Libertarians pride yourselves on how well you know the Constitution, I don’t believe for one second that this is an honest mistake. You’re lying and you shifty little fucks know exactly what you’re doing! Get bent and stay the fuck off my social media, assholes!
Update – 4/1/2016: I’ve been informed by a Libertarian that the rebuttal to this is the fact that the Libertarian party doesn’t believe in the legitimacy of the Constitution anyway. They’re down with the Articles of Confederation or some shit like that. So, basically, the response to all my awesomeness is “No, no, you’re wrong, because we’re fucking stupid.” Thanks guys, I’ll try to remember that.